Which Travel Tribe Are You?

Planning a staycation? Sophia Money-Coutts breaks down the types of people you’re sure to spot on holiday.

Illustrations by Hannah Riordan

Six Types Of People You’ll Always Meet On Holiday

The Bohemian Peasants

Illustration by Hannah Riordan

Oliver and Madeleine are big wild swimmers, so they booked this hotel in Devon because it’s only a five-minute drive from Mothecombe beach, which they’ve read is quiet and secluded and not the sort of place that you find anyone in those preposterous Dryrobes, who’ve started swamping their favourite swimming spots. The other plus point of the hotel is that it’s run by an Italian couple who’ve turned it into an agriturismo project, meaning they grow their own vegetables, she makes the bread and pastries, and the eggs come from their bantams. They even have their own charcuterie room.  The granola at breakfast is excellent, Madeleine says, washing it down with homemade kefir. The only downside is the cockerel outside, who started crowing before it got light. But we can’t interfere with nature, Oliver tells himself.

The Dog Comes First

Illustration by Hannah Riordan

Digby is a nine-year-old chocolate Labrador, but to Bryan and Wendy he’s their fourth child. Better than their real children, actually, because Digby never rings up asking for money. They’re on the way to Scotland for a week’s fishing and are breaking their journey at a dog-friendly hotel in the Lake District that Bryan read about in The Telegraph. The room is a bit smaller than they were expecting and they only have UHT milk in the minibar (revolting, thinks Wendy), but there’s a large jar of dog treats, which Digby’s already spotted. They don’t think the food’s much cop at dinner, but they take a doggie bag upstairs afterwards, and while their bed is pretty rock solid, Digby seems happy in the sheepskin one they’ve provided. Wendy finds the dog’s snoring much less irritating than her husband’s.

The Experimental Epicure

Illustration by Hannah Riordan

Ivor has the iPhone 15 Pro because it’s the market leader for photo quality. He booked this hotel in Pembrokeshire because the chef has recently been given a Michelin star even though, as a Londoner, he wasn’t entirely sure where Pembrokeshire was (Scotland, was his first guess).  The Sunday Times gave the hotel restaurant a dubious review, but what do they know? He booked the 11-course tasting menu (with wine pairing) seven months earlier and is much looking forward to it, even though he’s examined the menu online several times already and discovered that four courses involve seaweed. Ivor likes unusual ingredients; he often talks fondly of a bowl of spaghetti all’anemone in Catania, and in Tokyo he tried chicken sashimi. But seaweed is one of those ingredients Ivor’s not sure humans are meant to eat. He takes a photo of every dish, several times, and afterwards spends two hours editing them, before uploading them with multiple hashtags, including #delicious, #Michelinstar and #seaweed. Ivor wasn’t sure about the seaweed ice cream, if he’s honest, but it’s important to try these things. And he’s looking forward to telling his accountancy colleagues about it on Monday.

The Notting Hill Crowd

Illustration by Hannah Riordan

Summer has been organising this hen weekend for several months. In July, her friend Astrid is getting married to a minor European royal on a Swedish island and all she wants is an intimate weekend away for her 23 closest girlfriends, so Summer booked multiple rooms at the new members’ hotel in the Cotswolds. With lunches and dinners (not that anyone will eat much) and an afternoon in the spa it should cost around £1,700 a head, which Summer really doesn’t think is that bad considering a night out in Mayfair comes to nearly that much now. One of the hens cries on the first evening when she lets slip that she’s going through a divorce, so Summer orders several more bottles of Ruinart blanc de blancs because nobody will notice them on the bill. No Mr and Mrs on the second evening because Summer doesn’t think it’s chic to discuss sexual positions but she does make everyone wear diamanté tiaras she found in this cute little thrift store called Claire’s. They discuss the merits of lab versus real diamonds throughout dinner before dancing on the banquettes to Dua Lipa. They find this new members’ club extremely comforting, because it’s just like being in London.

The TikTok Influencers

Illustration by Hannah Riordan

Jenna and Blake have packed four bags for two days in Somerset. Two for their outfits; two for their equipment, which includes their softbox lighting kit, GoPros and laptops. Lauren emailed the hotel in advance asking for a discount because she and Blake have nearly 120,000 TikTok followers combined. The hotel said no and, even though this annoyed Jenna, she still wants to go because the outdoor pool looks lush and she’s packed her Skims bikini. Blake read on the hotel website that it offers falconry, and once he’d done some Googling about what that involved, he decided he was well up for a picture, so he’s said to Jenna they can shoot the pool  first, so long as they can go and find the bird afterwards. When they arrive, Jenna’s disappointed that they don’t have a pool view, but she likes the pre-mixed mini bottles of negroni in the minibar and uploads a snap, geotagging the hotel with the caption ‘Nice touch.’ They get loads of content over the weekend, although Blake was bitten by the falcon and their train back home is delayed. He’s exhausted, he thinks, as he pulls Jenna’s bag along the platform. He’s sick of people slagging off the influencer game. It’s a lot harder than it looks.

The Jittery New Parents

Illustration by Hannah Riordan

It’s taken Sarah and Jasper four hours to reach the New Forest, but that’s mostly because she made him return to Fulham three times to ensure his mother understood how to work the baby monitor. Sarah had William eight months ago and this is her first weekend away from him. She cried for the first hour of the journey while Jasper determinedly listened to a podcast about the Middle East, but now they’ve arrived and it’s lovely. Four-poster bed, freestanding bath, and a bottle of champagne on ice. They absolutely did mean to make it downstairs for dinner, but after a glass of champagne, they had a little lie down and only woke, fully clothed, at midnight. Sarah rings Jasper’s mother four times before breakfast the next morning, which puts a dampener on the romantic lie-in, but he hopes the couples’ massage after breakfast will get them in the mood. Unfortunately, his mother rings later that morning and says William has a slight temperature, so Sarah insists they go home immediately. Still, his organic bacon bap was nice.