Could The ‘Let Them’ Theory Change Your Life?

One guru is dominating the self-help sphere right now: podcaster and motivational speaker Mel Robbins. Sound bites of her straightforward, research-backed tools for living a better life are all over TikTok and Instagram, from her viral morning routine to the five-second rule. But the concept that’s getting the most attention at the moment? Her Let Them theory, a mindset hack to help you regain control of your life. 

What Is The Let Them Theory?

People not matching our expectations is one of the most frustrating things in life. When people behave in a way we deem wrong, it’s easy to spend hours mulling over it: why isn’t my Hinge date texting me back? Why did my friends meet up without me? But rather than wasting time lamenting others’ behaviour, Mel Robbins argues the best thing to do is simply… let them.

@melrobbins Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 💥 Listen now on the #melrobbinspodcast!! “The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins #letthemtheory #letgo #lettinggo #podcast #podcastepisode ♬ original sound – Mel Robbins

Robbins first posted about the concept back in 2023. ‘I just heard about this thing called the Let Them theory,’ she wrote in an Instagram post. ‘I freaking love it.’ The idea quickly went viral, and Robbins went on to write a book, The Let Them Theory, published in December 2024, which has sold millions of copies. Robbins’ TikTok video about the theory has amassed over two million views, and it has been the subject of a string of podcast episodes and TV segments – even capturing the attention of Oprah.

The premise is (seemingly) simple: stop wasting your time and energy on what others are doing. ‘We’re living in a moment of time where people feel like there’s so much that’s out of their control, whether they’re feeling anxious, or they look at the headlines, or they’re worried about the economy or their job. And the message with the let them theory is that no matter what’s going on outside of you, the power is always inside of you,’ she said during an appearance on the Today programme.

‘Two simple words, “let them” are the key to helping you to see what’s in your control, and what’s not in your control,’ she adds. ‘And I think that this is the message that is giving people power and peace and confidence at this exact moment.’

Many psychologists and life coaches use elements of the theory in their work, including Holistic Empowerment and Transformation Coach Jo Irving. ‘Mel Robbins’ Let Them theory is something I use with my clients all the time, I’m sure most coaches do,’ she says. ‘But what makes it so powerful is how simple it is. In just two words, it encapsulates an entire coaching session: Let them.

‘At its core, this mindset shift is about releasing attachment to what you can’t control – other people’s opinions, judgments, limiting beliefs, and actions. Instead of wasting energy trying to change, convince, or seek validation from others, you shift your focus inward. You reclaim your energy, redirecting it toward what actually matters: your own choices, feelings, and boundaries.

‘So often, we get caught up in frustration over how others behave – whether they don’t support us, misunderstand us, or judge us. But Let Them is a reminder that their reactions belong to them, not us. Instead of resisting or overthinking, we can simply accept, detach, and move on focusing on our own path.’

 

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How To Apply The Let Them Theory

So how does that work in practice? Let’s imagine a car cuts in front of you in traffic. Rather than allowing the road rage to kick in, take a deep breath and move past it. Or perhaps you’ve heard someone has badmouthed you. Instead of messaging them furiously, rise above it.

The crucial second part of Let Them, says Robbins, is Let Me: looking at what is in your control in the situation. Friends not invited you to brunch? ‘Ask yourself: “When’s the last time I invited these people out?”’, says Robbins. ‘If you have invited them, ask: “Why am I chasing people who don’t care about me?”‘.

The theory can be helpful for romantic relationships, too: in her book, Robbins speaks about the power of letting people be themselves (‘you cannot make someone else change,’ she believes). So rather than telling your partner to be less messy, for instance, lead by example to inspire change. She also recommends trying the ‘motivational interviewing’ technique, which involves asking open-ended questions about the topic in question, backing off and observing their behaviour, then allowing them to make changes themselves, and celebrating progress when they do.

Of course, the Let Them theory won’t apply in all situations. Robbins highlights three key circumstances in which the theory should never apply: if someone is doing something dangerous or discriminating against you, if you need to ask for something or advocate for yourself (e.g. negotiating your salary), or if someone is continually crossing your boundaries.

Irving has shared a simple method for applying the theory to your life.

• Pause before reacting: ‘When someone behaves in a way that bothers you, take a deep breath and ask yourself: “Does this actually require my energy?” If not, let them.’
• Remind yourself it’s not about you: ‘Most of the time, people’s actions reflect their own struggles, not your worth. If they misunderstand you, don’t support you, or leave – let them.’
• Focus on your own path: ‘Redirect energy toward your goals, growth, and self-care instead of trying to change others.
• Set and honor boundaries: ‘Letting them doesn’t mean tolerating disrespect. It means allowing others to be who they are while you choose how to respond and protect your peace.’

What Are The Problems With The Theory?

While some people are sold, others aren’t convinced by the Let Them theory. It has been criticised for being too obvious and simplistic – something Robbins has spoken about herself. ‘Yeah, it’s a cheap trick – and it works,’ she told the New York Times.

Some have pointed to its unoriginality, arguing the theory is simply stoicism repackaged: a school of Hellenistic philosophy designed to make us happier and more wise by focusing on the things we can control and accepting the things we can’t. Controversially, the theory has also received plagiarism allegations, with writer Cassie Phillips accusing Robbins of stealing her viral 2022 poem Let Them. 

Robbins hasn’t commented directly on this, but she has acknowledged that the theory is built upon previous ideas: ‘Why this works is because it actually has roots in things that people have cared about for a long time – stoicism, the serenity, prayer, Buddhism, detachment theory, radical acceptance.’

Interested to find out more? You can listen to Robbins’ podcast episode on the topic here, which goes into more detail about applying the Let Them theory to parenting, relationships and friendships.